Purpose – Seeking answers, finding questions


I’m still processing my experiences from this last week at the Kryon, Monument Valley Tour, and they were great, no doubt. However, for the most part I’m left with more questions than answers. And that seems to be the norm anymore. I go out seeking answers which I do not find. I do find way more questions.

I guess I should recognize by now that there are no answers, only choices. And there are no right or wrong choices – there is only the one you choose. And regardless of the outcome – it was exactly what you needed to experience at the time. Whether that be failure, success or otherwise.

I just keep waiting for an “A-ha” moment that honestly may never come. I thought if I would have had one anywhere, though, that it would be while I was among other people seeking higher vibrational existences. Now that I think about it further, if I did have one it would probably be somewhere way more random, like in the grocery store or something. And since I no longer go to the grocery store, I order on-line and they deliver, I’m probably the one keeping myself from having that moment.

Or maybe it truly never will. All I know is that I’ve had this awakening thing happen to me and it seemed so unique and amazing at the time and now my brain doesn’t even function the way that it used to. I can barely handle one task let alone multi-task, and that used to be my forte.

One great thing that did happen was that Lee ended up talking to a guy who was also a construction business owner who had awakened and had quite a unique experience himself and shared that with Lee.

Validation that I am not alone or nearly as crazy as I, and everyone else, thought is honestly priceless. It also poses more questions. If what I’ve gone through is real and other people are experiencing it, too… then, what now?

…to be continued… at an undetermined time.


Wild Horses

I’m attending “Kryon, Monument Valley Tour” with my Lee (the man who channels Kryon is also named Lee, but that’s not the one I’m referencing today) and about 80 other humans this week.

I’m spending as little time on my “control device” as possible while here but I’m continuing to check in with my oldest daughter, Alisha, who helps me post these blogs as well as handles my Twitter and helps me with my Instagram. Technology has outgrown me and I flail to keep up, so thank goodness for her!

I am planning on writing a brief synopsis of my time here when it’s over and when we return to my comfort zone, which is our home. It is then that I will try to explain why sitting on a hill top, with people who are strangers to me, listening to a man channel about a beautiful, compassionate future – brought me to tears. It moved me so profoundly and brought absolute chills of resonation… but that is a story for another day.

This brief check in was inspired by what I’ve seen several times as we’ve traveled throughout these ancient lands of the indigenous people: wild horses.

When my Lee first pointed them out as we drove down the road towards Monument Valley, my initial thought was “There’s no way that there are still wild horses out here.” Surely someone would have captured them, attempted to “train” them and contained them by now.

As I looked closer I saw that their wild and raggedy manes were clearly unkempt, but I also saw the freedom and determination to be free in their eyes and in their movements. They traveled in a group of 3 or 4 but were seemingly a “pack” and they inherently knew that there is safety and solace in numbers, even if they are small numbers. They had the aura of never being made to do anything that wasn’t natural or that they weren’t born with the instincts to do.

I was so grateful to know that these creatures still existed and that they were wild, free and allowed to live the existence of their choosing.

I’m grateful people stand back and look at them in awe instead of trying to change them and force them to live in a way that suits humans and not necessarily the horses.

What an incredibly, intense and perfect metaphor or symbolism for how I was feeling traveling with some of my “pack” the last couple of days.

While none of us are raggedy and unkempt and we have been made to conform to human standards to varying degrees, at some point we awakened to the call from spirit to break free.

People have always had free will and can and do choose to live any way that suits them best. You can choose to live contained, be trained and to conform.

As for me, I’ll continue to choose to run with the wild horses.

If you are interested in learning more about Kryon, (Lee Carroll), you can look up his channelings and teachings on YouTube and Amazon. Here are a few books you can get from him that offer his teachings as well!

“Enjoy the show.” “You, too.”

I am gearing up to go to Monument Valley this next week. Kryon, one of my biggest mentors, will be there along with about 80 other people. I literally cannot wait for all of the stupid things I’m about to say and do.

I am beyond awkward. My spiritual awakening hasn’t helped this, it may have actually contributed to it highly.

I am one of those people that go to the movies and when the ticket taker says “Enjoy the show.” My response is “You, too.” Now obviously I know that he is probably not grabbing popcorn and joining us for the movie, so why is that my response?

I literally cannot leave the house without an “incident” with another human. I always say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing. I guess that’s my “thing.” I don’t know why Lee or anyone continues to go out with me in public. It’s a train wreck situation, I guess, and they just can’t look away.

Before I go anywhere or before anyone comes over to my house I mentally try and prepare myself for it by clearing my aura and deep breathing to relax. I envision myself being this calm, peaceful, quiet, intelligent being. Then people show up.

The harder I try not to trip myself up- the harder I fall. Every. Single. Time.

If anyone has advice or just needs a laugh and wants me to keep track of my amazingly awkward moments during the trip, please let me know. Then at least they won’t be for nothing.

If you would like to learn more about Kryon, check out this video on Amazon below!


…I Broke Even

I live in a state that does not offer the lottery or gambling. So a common “quick trip” that we in the Salt Lake and surrounding valleys take to get our fix – is to Wendover, Nevada (literally at the Utah/Nevada stateline). There are a handful of casinos and it is only a 90 minute drive away.

Lee and I get a wild hair every once in a while to go lose money and come home sad. That is the truth… while the typical response to the question “Did you win?” is “Nah, I broke even” which happens to be the biggest and most widely accepted lie in Utah.

We decided to go 2 days ago and unfortunately, and of course, there were no promotions for free rooms the night we wanted to go. We have comped rooms almost every other weeknight during every single month – but of course we chose one that did not qualify. That should have been a warning sign right there – but we seem to avoid those when it specifically does not suit us.

We stayed at the Rainbow casino in a “mini suite” with a jacuzzi tub in the room. It was $129.99 without tax – so, not cheap. What it looked like was a regular hotel room in a rectangle shape that had a jacuzzi tub installed where the couch used to be. Other than that and a steam shower (that burned my ankle) in the bathroom, it was extremely un-glamorous. I don’t know why but when I go there I always expect glitz and glamour when really it is nothing but cheap carpet and stale cigarette smoke.

That is me romanticizing gambling – like I do with just about everything else. It’s not pretty and it’s not good. Every drive home I have a sick stomach and a mind full of regrets – not to mention the empty pockets. I have considered myself “lucky” my whole life because I usually “win” at least small amounts whenever we go there… or do I??

I decided to read up on gambling while we were there, specifically on slot machines because that’s where my weakness lies and I learned that I may not be so lucky after all… I’m just drawn to a non-volatile machine that suckers you in with small wins as it is really sucking you dry. It’s a mental victory for casinos, not to mention monetary victory, but they got you where they want you with the tease of the big win.

I won’t go into depth about volatile and not so volatile machines but you can read up on them in your spare time, if you wish, and I highly recommend that you do prior to your next casino jaunt. But in a nutshell the volatility of a slot machine game measures the risk involved in playing a particular slot for the real money. And it determines how you win at slots. If a slot has low volatility, it means the wins are more frequent. But they’re smaller, too. High volatility slots have rarer wins, but they are bigger.

The odds of any machine are made up of how many possible other combinations besides the winning one, that there are on the spinning reels. Just an example for the old machines is this: 3 reals with 10 different symbols each and sometimes including the blank spaces in between give you odds of like 30,000 to 1. With the newer machines that have 7 reels and 20 different symbols on each… you do the math.

If I was to put a number on the amount of money that I have lost at casinos it would be in the $10 -$20,000 range, I would guess… if not more. When I think of all the exotic places I could have gone instead of wasting my time with cheap carpet and stale cigarette smoke… I get sad. Lol.

So here’s the thing – I may have finally learned a very expensive lesson. I have never “broken even” when it comes to gambling and if people are truly honest about what they put in as opposed to what they get out… they probably haven’t either.

So the next time Lee and I feel the need to lose money – I think we’ll go throw it in the ocean in Hawaii instead.

Being Vegetarian in Prison


I wasn’t introduced to my creator in prison, like some people are. My introduction came almost 2 years after.  And maybe that’s because I wasn’t looking for or open to it at that time. I did, however, learn a few religious things due to my diet…

Some people are curious about what food is available in prison or jails. First you should know the difference between jail and prison because people confuse the two a lot. When you initially are charged with a crime and are taken into custody you are taken to the nearest county jail.  After you are seen by a judge and depending on what crimes, what sentencing you get and where the crimes were committed – you either spend your time at that initial facility, or you are moved closer to where the crimes were committed or are sent to prison. Jail is more of a temporary thing while prison can be up to life sentences.

I’ve spent almost 2 years in jail concurrent and almost 2 years in prison consecutive. All for crimes and offenses committed within a 2 year period of my life when I turned to street drugs over pharmaceuticals because of my back pain and 2 surgeries.

Drugs turned me into a person that I myself would not recognize but my eating habits remained the same as far as what I ate… it was just far less frequent during drug use.

I am a vegetarian (ovo-lacto) and have been since I was pregnant with my first born 25 years ago.  That means I eat no meat or meat bi products but I eat eggs and milk as long as they are cooked into things beyond recognition (muffins as opposed to French toast or scrambled eggs). I choose not to eat anything that comes from the ocean because it makes me go “eww, gross”.

If you can imagine, jails and prisons are not exactly accommodating. The sectioned off food trays consist of what makes up to a state imposed desired caloric amount while attempting to touch on food groups-ish. So a meat like substance (Salt Lake County jail in Utah has a “meat loaf” that is referred to as a “rhino ball” and I’ll leave that up to your imagination as to why), with some sort of mushy, watery vegetable or “fruit” along with ALWAYS a slab of bread substance (sheet bread cut into squares usually) and possibly a dessert substance (a slightly sweeter sheet cake bread substance cut into squares) called “cake”. The “salad” you get whipped consist of various strange varieties of soggy, wilting lettuce with a version of Italian or French dressing usually.

You get a lot of “corn bread” which does taste like corn bread in just the slightest way,  but does leave a lot to be desired.  There is always a slab of butter scraped onto the tray somewhere, and you get a liquid substance called “juice” (0% fruit juice) that resembles Kool-Aid for lunch and dinner, but milk with breakfast. The “juice”, bread, and butter are there to help hit that required caloric amount, I believe.

Breakfast consists of “cakes and flakes” pancake shaped bread bricks, and corn flakes or oatmeal or grits. I literally broke a tooth on a “pancake” once there, so that might explain just how great they are.

Some people might say, “Well you’re in jail – you shouldn’t expect the food to be great”… indeed, you would have a point… but try being on the other side of that statement when, in general, you believe that you are a good person, but you made huge mistakes… You still need to eat and trust and believe when you come down off of drugs in a jail cell the one thing you’re going to need… is food. It can be argued all day long and the food is generally ample to sustain life for periods of time but it is exactly what you would expect to eat if you were behind bars.

Commissary (items you can purchase from your jail inmate account if there is money on your books) is a totally different story and I’ll get into that another time.

Prison food and jail food differ as well,  reason being is that, as I stated earlier, people in prison are generally doing more time so there are more options. I was always told while in jail that if I was going to do large amounts of time, that I should do it in prison because the food is way better.

They were right.  Meals at the Draper prison were better. Also, more women were on self imposed diets to lose weight or had massive amounts of commissary foods so they were more willing to share the prison given food with others. On a lucky day, if you were starving, someone would give you their whole tray.

The women there had meal calendars to keep track of all of the options. You would get those trial sized boxes of cereal or a pack of microwaveable pancakes or waffles and a thing of syrup like the ones on the table at restaurants.  There were hard boiled eggs and actual fruit! There was still always bread but this time it was actual bread slices with a wheat or white option (still very thin and very dehydrated from being frozen and thawed) and you got 2 slices with every meal. There were days I ate a whole loaf of bread and virtually nothing else.

The lunches and dinners were varied with things like tuna casserole, mixed vegetables, always a bag of chips and cookies or snack treats like Little Debbie snacks. On holidays, there were actually grilled hamburgers and hot dogs with buns and chips and potato salad or green salad.

After I had been at the prison for about 2 months, someone told me you could request a “vegetarian tray”. This was after almost 2 months of starving and begging everyone and anyone for the bread that they weren’t eating and living solely off of that.  It took 2 days to get the form and 3 weeks after I turned it in to finally receive the special “diet” tray but the day it came I’ll never forget.

It had a veggie patty instead of the meat and for once in a very long time – I was full after the meal and i didn’t have to beg anyone for extra food. I was so relieved and I can’t tell you how much better you sleep at night when you aren’t literally starving to death.

I got used to this and started to think that maybe I could survive the 2 years I had left and then one morning it happened. My name was called and I was told to “roll up” (gather any and all items that didn’t belong specifically to the prison or jail) and head to the gate house.

I was “farmed out” (due to overcrowding of the prisons, they contract with some of the county jails to house prison inmates along side the jail inmates because jails have more room due to there being 1 prison and many jails per state).

Seriously? Go from the jail to the prison back to jail? Holy unfair. One of my first thoughts was of starving due to lack of my special diet tray I had become accustomed to.

I was sent to a tiny little jail in the middle of nowhere… or as others refer to it as Cache County jail. No special diet tray. Back to begging for bread scraps. Eventually I was transferred to a slightly larger facility, Davis County jail and heard they had something similar to a veggie tray called “kosher” diet tray. Growing up in a predominantly Mormon state in a predominantly Mormon family, kosher wasn’t fully understood by my brain, but due to my starving belly, I decided to try and get it anyways.

I put my request in and I waited. And waited. And waited. Finally 5 1/2 weeks later I was called out of the pod around lunch time and an officer met me outside the pod door with what I could see was my request for a kosher meal form. I got excited too soon because the first thing he did was ask if i was Jewish. Criminal brain switched on and I answered him stating that “No, but I’m considering it.” He countered with the question “So you know things about the Jewish faith?” “Um, sure.” I replied.

He stated that if I could answer ONE question about it then I could receive the tray. Ok, I thought. I can usually BS my way out of anything.

“What book or books of the bible does the Jewish faith study?” Mathematically, I was screwed. There were too many possible answers and no way to pretend or actually guess the answer. “Uh, Revelations?” I said because it was the only ‘Book of’ that came to my mind.

Nope. My quest to not starve to death was just ruined by my lack of knowledge of the Jewish religion.

Answer: Five Books of Moses: Genesis, Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers and Deuteronomy.

Never in a million years could I have guessed that answer. So for the rest of my stays in county jails and then back to the prison, I received a regular tray and had to beg, trade and barter food with people. I also started studying the Jewish religion and I’m grateful for the knowledge because I’m not sure I would have had the interest if it were not for this experience.

My advice to vegetarians… stay out of jail and prison. So, that’s actually my advice to everyone – but especially vegans and vegetarians.