Therapy

This one’s going to be rough, excuse me while I use my blog as more of a “therapy” instrument than usual.

We’re coming up on some big numbers for me. I just passed the 1 year mark of me choosing sobriety – again – and I’ve done really, really well… minus one bump in the road.

Regardless of the bump, I’ve decided not to discount the days sober over the mess up because that’s not right. I’m giving myself credit where it is due. And for an addict – every second counts.

My youngest son turns 20 on the 9th of April, so that’s a big deal. All of my children are going to be in their 20’s. Life is extraordinary.

The 15th of April would mark the 20th wedding anniversary for Lee and me… had we stayed married. He divorced me in 2013 when I was in prison and that was probably one of the saddest things in my life.

We are dating again and when I tell people, they always smile and say things like, “I love that story!” or “Good for you guys!

But it hurts my heart every single time. Which is why, if I don’t feel like explaining, I just call him “husband” and he calls me “wife.” He doesn’t like to discuss the married, not married thing and says, “We might as well be.” I say, “Sure, sure.”

Does it matter in the scheme of things? The IRS says yes. God says yes, according to some sources. But these days the answer is usually no. I’ll let you decide for yourself.

It’s also the anniversary of the day that I believe I was with a young man in spirit when he died and crossed over. It is something that will never leave me. I count that as my near death experience because not only did I think I was dying but I believe that I experienced what it feels like to take the first step into “heaven” and also let go of the weight of the world to do so.

Speaking of weight, I feel as though I just let go of some and feel better.

I convinced Lee to do a 6 week challenge with me through crossfit and we started yesterday so maybe the word “weight” won’t be so touchy for me soon… maybe.

And, oh my, what bizarre dreams and visions I’ve had lately! I see a black hole when I close my eyes recently, that sometimes turns red… there’s a meaning, metaphor or something in that as well.

So, what do I owe you? And, thank you doctor. 😉

Photo credit: https://www.pexels.com/photo/clouds-country-dawn-dock-533953/

Massive Energy Shift – Hold on

I feel like I should pass on some information that has come to me in various forms. The reason that I am sharing it is because I feel it within myself and I see it happening all around me.

We just landed in a downward energy shift for the whole planet. It is a drop in the energy wavelength that courses through all of us. But there is a purpose for it.

When you feel the most despair is when your true colors show. How you react and who you turn to matters.

I suggest turning to God at this time.

For those of you who don’t believe, please don’t take offense. I am sharing what I believe to be true. I would ask for you to search yourself and meditate or pray on this to discern my, or anyone’s messages, ever.

I pray people do turn to Him and that they don’t turn to suicide, drugs, alcohol or isolation.

This is going to be a true test of resolve.

Please hang in there because I believe that the other side of this energy wave is going to be worth sticking it out.

Love and light to you all.

//z-na.amazon-adsystem.com/widgets/onejs?MarketPlace=US&adInstanceId=a0ce1632-208a-4c08-98d0-a808214033d3

Choose Wisely

I made a major lifestyle change the past few years and I went from using drugs, associating with people who use and having a fairly “poor me”, “life sucks” and “I hate everyone” outlook on life – to waking up and sobering up to the reality that life is exactly what you make it and what you choose to surround yourself with absolutely is your reality.

I have a love/hate relationship with social media, and please know that I wish it was used for better purposes. However, I did notice that when I dropped some of the old “friends” and picked up a whole new set of like minded, positive vibe having and enlightened people – everything changed.

My feed went from hearing bitching and complaining about how hard life is and what a struggle it was along with hate, envy and crude humor – to empowering thoughts and positive sayings and words of hope and kindness.

It makes a world of difference to start out my day reading about how to empower myself, wake up to the reality that I am in control and to feed myself love, compassion and acceptance instead of anger, aggression, depression and hate.

I felt bad about dropping the people for a half of a second because I didn’t want anyone to think that I think I’m better than them or that I don’t like them but I had to do this for myself and my own mentality and well being.

I urge people to do the same. Consider who you keep as a “friend” and for what reason. Consider if people are helping or hurting your situation. Don’t be afraid to let go of the negativity for your own sake. Unfollow their feed if you still want to keep them as a “friend.”

Don’t get me wrong, I love everyone and I can’t wait until some of them wake up and realize how beautiful life truly is and start loving themselves enough to make those hard changes – I just hope they understand that is what I am doing right now.

We are a composition of everything we put in our bodies and that includes what we feed our brain.

Deeply consider that every single thing that you look at, read, watch and speak of – are all creating your reality.

Choose wisely.

 

**Photo Credit: Jac Vanec; themindsjournal.com

 

 

Pseudo Kings – The answer to “Why don’t you do drugs?”

meditating-man

Someone asked me the other day why I choose not to do drugs. That was a brilliant question

This is meant to be a P.S.A., btw.

Here are some truths that may trigger some and may enlighten others…

Selling drugs is like owning your own business. You’re a pseudo king and an entrepreneur, and people need you. You control how much you make and how much you spend and your product is always in demand. It’s a high in and of itself.

And drugs are mastered in a way to comfort and kill you all at the same time. I believe people are always searching for what it feels like on the other side because they miss that feeling, and drugs, initially, make you feel a similar type of euphoria. But not without a price.

I believe that this is why so many people who finally get out of the bullshit, drama of the drug life end up being successful as business owners.

Also, why so many people relapse back into it after choosing or being forced out of it.

My answer to the question of why I don’t do drugs had to be more than just the obvious “Because they’re bad,” because everyone knows that. Everyone knows that they take people from families and homes and lives from people. I tried to go deeper for an answer. And these answers are what I came up with.

One, I don’t want to sell drugs. And in order to pay for your own habit – I figured out years ago – you have to sell.

I got tired of seeing desperate faces who would do just about anything to get high. I got tired of some of the places you end up when buying or selling; they were sometimes dark in ways that would haunt you.

I got so tired of the demand and the excuses like when they told me they had the money before I got there and now that I’m there – they do not.

I got tired of everyone robbing everyone. It’s an every day occurrence. I got tired of people robbing me.

There are no real, true friends in the drug world. You literally can trust no one.

There is so much running around. It’s an endless cycle of hell. And it makes you the worst kind of tired and worn out.

The threat of prison, jail and death don’t even make some people bat an eye – but it’s a damn good reason not to for me. Those places are the most miserable places on earth.

I was tired of looking in the mirror and seeing unhealthy me and losing more of that natural glow and muscle mass.

I was tired of something controlling me to the point that I WAS willing to lose everything to keep doing it.

When you’re using – your energy changes and people can feel it. Even if they don’t realize you are using – they have a natural resistance to your energy. I hate that as well. People will immediately feel a sense of distrust and that kills me.

I hate smoke shops. There’s nothing worst than having to go into a smoke shop asking for a “bubble” or “love buddy”. Because even if you state that it’s for a friend (duh) – it is known that you are smoking meth.

Last but not least –

I got tired of seeing people that I love die; figuratively and literally.

The end.

***Photo credit from another wonderful blog, https://tinybuddha.com/blog/swipe-right-on-mindfulness-apprehensive-journey-meditation/

THE Greatest Gift

The greatest gift I have ever given… was to myself. It was sobriety. Not because I was forced or coerced or made to give up that DOC (drug of choice) because I can lie and pass drug tests all day long – but because it was time for me to break those ties that not only bind – but actually strangle you to death. You may or may not die from them in human form, but your heart does… and your mind does. Your emotions and mental suffer almost more than the people around you that love you and can’t seem to find the right life preserver to throw out to you and save you… because it doesn’t exist.

The only person who can save you is you. And this Christmas I am urging anyone stuck in the horrifying, debilitating, home wrecking, love sucking, life-taking cycle of addiction to give yourself the greatest gift.

Give yourself your life back and your love back and your family back. It doesn’t matter how many steps you have taken away from them… all you have to do is turn around. I know it is hard and I know it makes you seriously ill… but if it can be done with a week in jail… why not do it on your own time at your own choosing… before you’re stuck behind those glass windows in jail peering out a tiny unfrosted spot in a frosted over window at the real world begging and praying to become a part of it once again.

No matter what you believe, kneel down and ask your creator for a speedy withdrawal and for help feeling better and finding the right path again. I am a sober, living, breathing, walking testament to the fact that this can and has worked.

I love you. No matter what. And I want you to once again love yourself like I love you and get out of the pain and despair of the drug world. It never pays out and doesn’t ever love you back. But you already know that. So, please, take my hand and walk with me as a sober soldier of the light and together we can defeat the darkness.