What you seek – you will find

“Seek and ye shall find.” Just about everyone has heard this before and it comes from the King James version of the bible in Matthew 7:7-8.

“Be careful what you wish for – because you just might get it.” That one is relating back to an ancient Chinese proverb.

“Don’t go looking for trouble because you just might find it.” Based on Proverbs 11:27 that states “He who searches out good finds favor but evil will come to him who seeks it”.

My point being: We create our own reality. What you look for, you will absolutely find. If you go looking for negative things – you’ll absolutely find them. Likewise for positive things.

Also, what you seek may not be right for you and you’ll only know that when you get it. Being mindful of your wants and desires and recognizing why you desire them matters so much.

You can honestly manifest anything your heart desires into reality with belief and faith.

So I ask you to be consciously aware of your answer – what is it you seek??


**photo credit: http://cphpost.dk/activities/ask-shariananda-seek-and-ye-shall-find.html

…I Broke Even

I live in a state that does not offer the lottery or gambling. So a common “quick trip” that we in the Salt Lake and surrounding valleys take to get our fix – is to Wendover, Nevada (literally at the Utah/Nevada stateline). There are a handful of casinos and it is only a 90 minute drive away.

Lee and I get a wild hair every once in a while to go lose money and come home sad. That is the truth… while the typical response to the question “Did you win?” is “Nah, I broke even” which happens to be the biggest and most widely accepted lie in Utah.

We decided to go 2 days ago and unfortunately, and of course, there were no promotions for free rooms the night we wanted to go. We have comped rooms almost every other weeknight during every single month – but of course we chose one that did not qualify. That should have been a warning sign right there – but we seem to avoid those when it specifically does not suit us.

We stayed at the Rainbow casino in a “mini suite” with a jacuzzi tub in the room. It was $129.99 without tax – so, not cheap. What it looked like was a regular hotel room in a rectangle shape that had a jacuzzi tub installed where the couch used to be. Other than that and a steam shower (that burned my ankle) in the bathroom, it was extremely un-glamorous. I don’t know why but when I go there I always expect glitz and glamour when really it is nothing but cheap carpet and stale cigarette smoke.

That is me romanticizing gambling – like I do with just about everything else. It’s not pretty and it’s not good. Every drive home I have a sick stomach and a mind full of regrets – not to mention the empty pockets. I have considered myself “lucky” my whole life because I usually “win” at least small amounts whenever we go there… or do I??

I decided to read up on gambling while we were there, specifically on slot machines because that’s where my weakness lies and I learned that I may not be so lucky after all… I’m just drawn to a non-volatile machine that suckers you in with small wins as it is really sucking you dry. It’s a mental victory for casinos, not to mention monetary victory, but they got you where they want you with the tease of the big win.

I won’t go into depth about volatile and not so volatile machines but you can read up on them in your spare time, if you wish, and I highly recommend that you do prior to your next casino jaunt. But in a nutshell the volatility of a slot machine game measures the risk involved in playing a particular slot for the real money. And it determines how you win at slots. If a slot has low volatility, it means the wins are more frequent. But they’re smaller, too. High volatility slots have rarer wins, but they are bigger.

The odds of any machine are made up of how many possible other combinations besides the winning one, that there are on the spinning reels. Just an example for the old machines is this: 3 reals with 10 different symbols each and sometimes including the blank spaces in between give you odds of like 30,000 to 1. With the newer machines that have 7 reels and 20 different symbols on each… you do the math.

If I was to put a number on the amount of money that I have lost at casinos it would be in the $10 -$20,000 range, I would guess… if not more. When I think of all the exotic places I could have gone instead of wasting my time with cheap carpet and stale cigarette smoke… I get sad. Lol.

So here’s the thing – I may have finally learned a very expensive lesson. I have never “broken even” when it comes to gambling and if people are truly honest about what they put in as opposed to what they get out… they probably haven’t either.

So the next time Lee and I feel the need to lose money – I think we’ll go throw it in the ocean in Hawaii instead.

3 days, 5 hours and 49 minutes and counting

I’m on my 3rd cup of tea by 10 am… and that’s after 2 cups of coffee this morning and a mug of vegetable broth. You would think that I was trying to overcompensate for not eating for the next 3 days, 5 hours and 49 minutes… and counting. I started my self imposed 4 day fast yesterday at 4:30 pm. Oh. My. Hell. food is mental to me.

I didn’t think much of it last night except that Lee and I usually have ice cream before bed and so neither of us did. We also usually have toast before bed and again, no. I would like to say that I have mastered my mind enough to actually be able to handle this mentally without freaking out inside my head and my mind acting as if I’m trying to kill us.

There is a lot of reasoning going on in my mind like “I can just eat oatmeal… or grits or that whole box of chocolates” as I walk by it in the kitchen over and over and over each day.

I know that physically and medically it is possible for me to survive this but honestly I question my brain power in this scenario. It is used to chocolate and sweets on command and bread and pasta at will. It is used to getting what it wants and not having to suffer or go without, like EVER.

I am trying to stay busy in order to “trick” myself into not thinking about food… and what do I sit here writing about?? Yep. Can’t let it go.

I went back to my kickboxing class this morning to keep busy after not attending for a couple months due to personal issues and I don’t know what I was expecting but I arrived to absolutely 0 fan fare and ended up with burning lungs and I swear I had a heart attack. Why do I do this to myself? I should have stuck with it months ago and then maybe I wouldn’t be feeling so frumpy and out of shape.

Inherently I am very, very aware that what I put in my body and how I treat it while here on this earth matters. Yet – I feel I am using and abusing my privilege of having an earthly body all the time. I have felt the need to fast for several days for about 6 months now and I have had several 24 hour stints… but now I have actually committed and also purposefully was public about it in order to hold myself accountable and not be able to hide behind my bullshit excuses and “reasons” for not doing it.

The purpose of this fast for me is both spiritual and physical. I have come to the point where I am pretty damn sure that I’m giving myself diabetes… and I do not want that. So this acts as a reset for my blood sugar and gives me some time to reflect on what I put in my mouth and when and why. I honestly do want to be more aware and eat better just in case I do happen to live another 40 some odd years. Spiritually… fasting is a journey deep into ones soul to get answers and have epiphanies… or at least become hyper aware that you are obsessed with food and need to handle that accordingly.

The bible both new and old testaments are full of references to fasting. I am so divinely grateful to be doing this and for having this experience willingly (mostly) and aware. I have prayed for help in this matter and for answers to huge questions that I have weighing heavily on my mind about the direction of my life and who I am supposed to be and what I am supposed to be doing.

Will I get the answers I seek and be able to stay strong and diligent throughout this journey and NOT break down and eat? Stay tuned… just 3 days 5 hours and 36 minutes left…

I’m struggling to feel Beautiful – Body Dysmorphia is a thing.

When I wake up the first thing I do is look for my dogs, if they haven’t found me yet. Then I get up and let them out to go to the bathroom and grab my coffee. I would say that it is never more than 20 minutes before my first negative self thought enters my mind. Maybe I caught a glance of myself in the mirror or maybe I look down at my body as I sit drinking coffee – and I immediately start in on myself.

Why are you letting your thighs and stomach get so big? Did you really need that ice cream and cookies last night? How big was your ass in the mirror yesterday? And not that GOOD kind of fat ass either, right? How can you make your hair grow faster or look cuter since you went and shaved all of your hair off again?? What kind of clothes will hide what you want them not to see and show off what you do and still allow you to feel comfortable? And what kind of make-up and hair care products will allow you to style all of your bad hair days away and hide all of your imperfections and aging??

Wow. Talk about being hard on yourself. My hell this is bringing me to tears as I type. What kind of earth have we created that we are so focused on what we look like and not on who we are? Why does the television and print magazine make me feel like I will never, ever, ever measure up? Just when you think that they are going to stop with the model types and glamorized, plastic surgeried actresses… out comes another contoured, perfectly shaped, primed and prepped person who people “admire” “envy” and want to be just like.

I have struggled to feel comfortable in my own skin all my life. One person eventually told me that I have body dysmorphia. People who have *body dysmorphic disorder (BDD) think about their real or perceived flaws for hours each day. They can’t control their negative thoughts and don’t believe people who tell them that they look fine. Their thoughts may cause severe emotional distress and interfere with their daily functioning. They may miss work or school, avoid social situations and isolate themselves, even from family and friends, because they fear others will notice their flaws.*

Thank you for the diagnosis whoever told me that. How true can it get? I even justified using methamphetamine at one point in time for weight loss because I had been struggling to see any changes with regular diet and exercise. Do you think that is a bit excessive? Apparently, I didn’t.

The crazy thing is that I don’t ever find the same faults in others that I see in myself and I truly don’t look at people the same way that I assume they are looking at me. I have rationalized with myself and still do on the daily, that I am fine. I look fine and I am fine. That I will still be loved if I am not perfect. That people will still like me if I have a few extra pounds or a blemish on my skin.

What I want is for people to become aware of what we are doing to ourselves as a society and the pressures and strain that we unnecessarily put on ourselves to live up to that ideal perfectionism that we see far too often portrayed in the media and in our daily lives. I would also like to bring awareness to this particular disorder and let people know that help is available. I am no doctor but I am sure you can find one who can help you treat this self defeating problem that I think so many of us, men and women alike, suffer from that is on the daily – breaking our own hearts and crippling our minds.

It is said that even people like Michael Jackson struggled with this disorder and you can see from this time lapse picture what he did to try to fit into the expectations that he imposed on himself because of the pressure he felt from being in the spotlight.


Being healthy is important. Please don’t get me wrong. But constantly criticizing yourself and trying to live up to unhealthy and unrealistic expectations – can kill you, too.

Please love yourself first and foremost and practice positive affirmations and self talk. Love yourself as you love others and don’t be so critical. And most importantly, if your self criticism becomes too much, please seek help and talk it out with a doctor or therapist. You are too important to lose.


**Body Dysmorphia info cited from: Anxiety and Depression Association of America


** Featured Photo courtesy of “Into the Fold” ‘How my scars affected my body dysmorphia


I gave up today


I gave up today
I got down on my knees and prayed
I asked God to take the pain away
I asked if i could die because i can’t go on living this way
He lifted my chin way up to the sky
And i saw his perfect face for the very first time
My heart finally knew true love and he elevated and enlightened my mind –
“But what if there is still pain” i asked, “and what if there is sorrow?”
“Then you shed your tears today,” He said, “and you laugh and smile tomorrow”
Where there is pain there is knowledge and where there’s knowledge there is power
So hold your broken head and heart up High and to the darkness never cower
Life is full of lessons – there are so many to be learned
Don’t be shy – don’t sit it out – stand up and take your turn
Sometimes you will fall and sometimes you will fail
But that’s just another lesson learned on life’s beautiful winding trail
I gave up today…
But He didn’t let it play out that way…
Thank you God. Amen

Jealousy Kills

Elevated thought of the day:
Getting rid of JEALOUSY.

JEALOUS (noun): Resentment against a rival, a person enjoying success or advantage, etc., or against another’s success or advantage itself.

In fact, at the very least, jealousy causes feelings of animosity and inferiority and at most it causes anger, aggression and worst. People have killed and people have died over this word and I’m not sure if people realize how big of a part it plays in our everyday lives.

When I start feeling jealous of someone or something and I go to speak the word, I first try to take a step back and examine what it is that they have that I desire. If it is something that I can obtain – then I mentally or physically write it down on my vision board and start working towards it. If it is something that I absolutely cannot obtain then I try and flip that human feeling of wanting what others have into true happiness for that person/people and then let it go.

Letting go of jealousy allows us to move easier into a new, positive, loving and harmonious time on this beautiful earth. There is no place for old negative energy. Because that is all jealousy is. Old, negative energy meant to pit us against each other, make us feel lesser and to bring us down.

And why can’t we be happy for others? Some are blessed with beautiful bodies and some with beautiful minds and spirits. Some seemingly have it all – Awesome! Be happy for them. And then remind yourself why you also have so many things to be happy for… and then carry on with your new, elevated, grateful and happy life.


**Photo Credit Brian Gerald “Jealousy Is a Choice”: https://www.briangerald.com/jealousy-is-a-choice/

Support vs. Tolerance and Expectation vs. Reality

I can’t say enough about how much of an impact that opening my third eye has had on my existence in this last year. My thought process, level of compassion, acceptance and understanding is through the roof. I am in no way a master, though, and still suffer from things most humans have in common – such as craving acceptance.

I often feel bad for children growing up in this time period where they are openly and publicly accepted or not through various social media platforms and it can have a huge impact on their self esteem. I would wager to say the same for a lot of adults, whether we like it or not.

I have posted something on fb before and went back 20 minutes later and saw that no one had liked it so I took it down or deleted it. My brain automatically assumes the worst and I think people are offended or don’t think it’s funny or can’t relate. Regardless, it’s pretty ridiculous, but I am guilty of doing it on multiple occasions.

I was at the grocery store last week (always a bad idea) and the cashier/assistant manager asked me what I do for work now since I had told him that I bagged groceries for about 2 weeks a lifetime ago. When I told him that I was “blogging” he feigned enough interest to get an answer to his next question, “What about?” I told him that day that I was writing about aliens. He asked if I had been abducted or if I wanted to be abducted. I said, “Well, you’ll have to read it to find out”. That lead him to his next question, which made me cringe right before he said it because I knew it was coming,… “Oh, cool. How many followers do you have?”

Oh geez. Embarrassingly or proudly enough, depending on which side of the cup I’m looking at at the moment… I have 4. And 1 of them is myself. I’ve already told myself that once I started writing, which I decided to do 6 months ago but continued to mull it over until I was recently “ready”, that it wouldn’t be about popularity or numbers because that will kill your vibe quicker than anything. I told myself that it was mostly for myself and that if even one person was reached and that if my opinions were even taken into consideration – then I had essentially accomplished something noteworthy.

Which is a great ideology… in theory. I am friends with over 450 people on fb. I haven’t forced the situation (yet) but I have put it out there on my fb page and other social media as well as bringing it up in a conversation or two about my new adventure and have politely asked for support by following me and liking what I write if they like what they read.

Yikes. If what I see by numbers DID matter… then what in the hell am I really doing here? Besides breaking my own heart?

I’m going to continue doing what I’m doing because what I have to say, of course, at least if nothing else, helps me vent and process it and get it all out. So essentially, it is a public diary of sorts that maybe some people will stumble upon and read. Ok, great.

Well what did you expect?

Without consciously trying to expect anything, apparently my subconscious was busy expecting things. Because the let down I feel for having 0 expectations is completely irrational, if not. I can hear the 3 of you that actually read this blog and all of the figurative pats on the back with reassuring and kind words along with understanding of the exact position that I’ve put myself into…

I know that I just recently put myself out there and that it will get better and people will eventually come on board with helping support my journey as opposed to just simply tolerating it. I never want to shove my passion or ideas down anyone’s throat, I’d rather they take a bite and swallow on their own accord.

I don’t honestly know what it takes these days to get someone to hit a ‘like’ button or subscribe to a blog (obviously). People are a truly hard sell and I am no salesman. But honestly this is just a venting session and I can see the future getting brighter as I type. One moment this won’t matter and the next it does. I’ll just have to continue rolling with the waves of acceptance and disappointment in order to get where I presume I’m trying to go.

So to my supporters in the now and to those in the future, thank you from the bottom of my subconscious and conscious heart. I’m grateful for this journey and for all of you.

Have a great day – regardless of whether you support or just simply tolerate 🙂


**Noted that as I wrote this I thought about all the people’s stuff that I read and forget to hit like or follow on… so first of all sorry about that and I’ll try to do better in the future 😉

Also, if all of the sudden you get a bunch of likes from me on your stuff even from way back – I’m not trying to be a creeper, I’m just trying to catch up and help support you!