I’m on my 3rd cup of tea by 10 am… and that’s after 2 cups of coffee this morning and a mug of vegetable broth. You would think that I was trying to overcompensate for not eating for the next 3 days, 5 hours and 49 minutes… and counting. I started my self imposed 4 day fast yesterday at 4:30 pm. Oh. My. Hell. food is mental to me.
I didn’t think much of it last night except that Lee and I usually have ice cream before bed and so neither of us did. We also usually have toast before bed and again, no. I would like to say that I have mastered my mind enough to actually be able to handle this mentally without freaking out inside my head and my mind acting as if I’m trying to kill us.
There is a lot of reasoning going on in my mind like “I can just eat oatmeal… or grits or that whole box of chocolates” as I walk by it in the kitchen over and over and over each day.
I know that physically and medically it is possible for me to survive this but honestly I question my brain power in this scenario. It is used to chocolate and sweets on command and bread and pasta at will. It is used to getting what it wants and not having to suffer or go without, like EVER.
I am trying to stay busy in order to “trick” myself into not thinking about food… and what do I sit here writing about?? Yep. Can’t let it go.
I went back to my kickboxing class this morning to keep busy after not attending for a couple months due to personal issues and I don’t know what I was expecting but I arrived to absolutely 0 fan fare and ended up with burning lungs and I swear I had a heart attack. Why do I do this to myself? I should have stuck with it months ago and then maybe I wouldn’t be feeling so frumpy and out of shape.
Inherently I am very, very aware that what I put in my body and how I treat it while here on this earth matters. Yet – I feel I am using and abusing my privilege of having an earthly body all the time. I have felt the need to fast for several days for about 6 months now and I have had several 24 hour stints… but now I have actually committed and also purposefully was public about it in order to hold myself accountable and not be able to hide behind my bullshit excuses and “reasons” for not doing it.
The purpose of this fast for me is both spiritual and physical. I have come to the point where I am pretty damn sure that I’m giving myself diabetes… and I do not want that. So this acts as a reset for my blood sugar and gives me some time to reflect on what I put in my mouth and when and why. I honestly do want to be more aware and eat better just in case I do happen to live another 40 some odd years. Spiritually… fasting is a journey deep into ones soul to get answers and have epiphanies… or at least become hyper aware that you are obsessed with food and need to handle that accordingly.
The bible both new and old testaments are full of references to fasting. I am so divinely grateful to be doing this and for having this experience willingly (mostly) and aware. I have prayed for help in this matter and for answers to huge questions that I have weighing heavily on my mind about the direction of my life and who I am supposed to be and what I am supposed to be doing.
Will I get the answers I seek and be able to stay strong and diligent throughout this journey and NOT break down and eat? Stay tuned… just 3 days 5 hours and 36 minutes left…