My youngest son, who is 19, is suffering. I cannot tell you how much that makes me, as his mother, suffer. Sitting behind the cop cars along the side of the freeway last night as my husband went to see my son who had just jumped out of his girlfriends moving vehicle on the freeway going upwards of 70 mph… I think I legitimately had a heart attack.
Whenever the phone rings I hesitate for just one moment – knowing that it could be a “good” day or a “bad” day. Either way, it will be like that of a roller coaster and I fear I won’t have the correct answers therefore sending him into a downward spiral. I love my son, just like I love all my children and grandchildren, more than anything that has ever loved anything… so how do I put the power of love to use and save him? I wrap my loving arms around him literally and figuratively as often as I can. I also reassure him as often as possible, listen when he wants to share and offer advice when I feel he’s open to it.
My husband and I have had a rocky relationship in the past but for the past 6 months or so it’s been probably the best it’s ever been. However, I feel that wedge coming between us – that wedge that starts building every time we disagree about something, usually child related. We are extremely different types of parents, but regardless of the difference in our parenting styles, I feel that the amount of love we have for our children is equal in my eyes. I want so badly to save my son. I honestly want to save my marriage. I gave up on saving the world. Is there anything that I can save?
Reaching out to other humans in these matters is such a touchy situation. You never know if people can handle the information until it’s too late. Last week when my son cut his arm deeply 3 times from wrist to elbow with a kitchen knife in front of his dad and me and his injuries were so severe that the police “pink slip”ped him (Police request to hold a patient under professional care for a certain number of hours or until released by a licensed professional), I hesitated telling anyone. And what good does it truly do anyways? I get sick to my stomach with all of the emotions that these situations invoke in others. God forbid if they have dealt with something like it in the past and they have to relive it. And it leaves people in a sticky situation on how best to respond as well. I mean… is there really any protocol on how best to respond to a situation like that?
At this point I consider myself somewhat of an energy worker and healer and I will tell you there is nothing on this earth that I have tried whether holistic or western that has truly helped me in this situation. The only solace I take is in knowing in my heart where people go when they leave this earth and knowing that if anything takes anyone that I love away from me prematurely for any reason, that they will be with me in spirit and I will meet them across the veil when my time comes.
But enough about that. Please God hear my cries when I ask you to let me keep him a while longer. Silence the darkness in his mind and help heal his heart and instill within him the absolute knowledge of the unconditional love and the compassion that I feel for him – that you feel for all of us and let him know just how much he means to the world… and to me.
Or is it pure selfishness trying to keep someone here that expresses the desire to leave?? I’m going to answer no because I still think that I can convince him that life is worth living. And maybe he will hear me this time. And I won’t get another phone call that feels as if my heart has been shattered into a million tiny pieces…
Please just let me keep him.